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I. Hate. The world.

I shouldn't, either. Things have been going BRILLIANTLY. Well. Not brilliantly. It's been a rough week, but it's tech week so that's expected.

But then the Max, my co-president in GSA who is also gay had a story to tell me today. I guess apparently today in the boys' locker room (which is like the hub of all homophobic comments, I guess, I've never been in there), there were some boys explaining my trans* identity to another boy. According to Max, they were saying something akin to the following "I mean. She just decided to be trans one day. And so like... she's not human. And since she's not human, she's not protected by the Constitution!" Max felt horrible and because of that, shot really poorly in his rifle team match today, so I'm having him write an email to his coaches (one of whom is my former US teacher) explaining about language in the locker room and how it's affecting his performance and shit. Y'know. If they don't do anything, we'll just have to wait until I get physically attacked by kids who don't think I'm human. :| (I'm bitter right now. Sorry.)

So whatever. I've been called an it before. I can handle it. What sent me into a huge rage tonight is the fact that a picture of this week's GSA poster was posted on Facebook. We talked about blood donation rules for the MSM community, and has a comic on the poster. A former faculty member who is incredibly unaccepting commented on the poster, and eleven people liked the comment. Including a student leader. I just. I feel worthless. I've considered killing myself and politicizing my own death. Because apparently that's the only way shit gets done anymore.

As I said on plurk, I won't kill myself over this or any other thing of this nature, and for two reasons. The first is that I refuse to become another fucking statistic in the book. Killing myself fits neatly into that narrative, and I refuse to follow it. Just... no. I won't let it happen. The other reason is if I wasn't alive to be the target for this kind of stuff, other kids who maybe can't handle it would be the target. And I can't let that happen. When I decided to come out, I had to consider the possibility--no, the probability that stuff like this would happen, and I still came out. And I don't regret coming out. And I refuse to regret it, because I did the right thing.

Just. Holy fuck, they make it hard to stay alive. Apparently it gets better, but fuck me if I'm going to wait that long.

Comments

captaintwinings
Nov. 5th, 2011 07:01 pm (UTC)
You are absolutely human. You know that right? And you know you deserve better than this. You are one of the best people I know.

And it will get better. You're making it better. Even if you only ever help one person feel better about being "different," or change one mind, you are making a difference. If more people cared as much as you do, we could change the whole world.

I'm just sorry it has to be so hard in the meantime. *hugs and cookies*
yetregressing
Nov. 6th, 2011 04:53 am (UTC)
I know this. I know all of it rationally, just. And actually hearing that after the play, when I first heard it, I could brush it off. It wasn't that bad. I wasn't upset, really--I mean. It didn't hurt that much, to hear about it. it was only after the Facebook post that I really started being upset.

I just. I don't know. I feel like I'm running up against a brick wall, and I know that in theory I am and I can't stop, but... idk. Walking around campus knowing a) there are at least three more people I feel I need to avoid for my own safety, and b) that they don't even think of me as human, even if I know I am human... it makes life a little harder. Stupidly harder--like, it doesn't have to be this hard harder.

But thank you. I went to a conference today and feel much better now than I did last night. So thank you. *hugs back*

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