I did it.

I wrote 50,000 words in 14 days. Holy jesus. WITH school. And the musical last week. And... just. Wow.

I'm shaking. I don't know whether or not this is because of the amount of sugar I've been consuming, or the actual word count itself.

Now I need a nap.

Sometimes it's scary how readable I am. For those who don't know, we were analyzing dreams in English last week and I brought up the recurring torture dreams, which got him all excited and he did all this intense analysis. I just got the email, and I'm going to reprint it in full, changing my name 'cause I can.

The Issue of Time

Two weeks is more commonly known as a ‘fortnight’. The etymology of the term comes from Old English back in the days of the Anglo-Saxons in Britain circa 1000. It is a Germanic method of reckoning by nights. Torture too is an ancient form of punishing criminals who have disobeyed laws of church or state. Such disobedience must be handled swiftly and publically. Interestingly, [Ai] has a dream that recurs once a fortnight and since dreams occur under the iceberg – echo Freud – it is fascinating that public Anglo-Saxon torture has made its way into a private space, the realm of [Ai]’s mind that even she cannot control. The public and the private, the extreme private, merge.


Reading 1: [Ai]’s subconscious desire to be a Medieval Criminal

Some part of [Ai] is evil. The evil inside can only reach full expression in her subconscious brain. There is a possible desire to be disobedient. In this reading, conscious [Ai] is the emblem of proper social decorum. She follows rules: checks in on time, attends sit-down meals with strict regularity, etc. Yet in the dream space, she transgresses…the bad [Ai]. Now here’s the catch. She not only seeks transgression, but also she seeks pubic punishment for her crime. Picture [Ai] as an Anglo-Saxon knight: long fur, high boots, an immense shield, a lance, and of course, a pointy helmet. She needs to both misbehave and be caught misbehaving so as to lead to a process of atonement—this is the blood reality.


Reading 2: [Ai]’s Doppelganger

Because the figure in [Ai]’s dream is occasionally an absent body, a shapeless shape, it is her Doppelganger or body double. [Ai] is not [Ai] alone…there are two. The two [Ai]s are in an epic struggle against each other. One [Ai] is innocent. One [Ai] is the agent of punishment. There is some tension between the [Ai]s. How can [Ai] reconcile herself with herself? Once this question is answered, the dreams will stop. The two [Ai]s will then frolic in the fields, hold hands, smell flowers, study in phone booths. But until then…


Reading 3: The Remarkable Power of Fiction

The most powerful psychological reading of this dream is to prove [Ai]’s full belief in and love of the remarkable power of fiction. What if fiction is so real that it is more real than reality? The imaginary character of her friend’s work of fiction is so real that it causes [Ai] to feel. Fiction is so deeply ingrained in her it works itself on her body. That is true power. The world of fiction allows an individual access to truth for it is a place more acutely in tune with humanity than so called real living. She loves reading so much…it hurts.

The first two are hilarious in their stupidity, but the last one... kind of hits it on the nail. Way to be freaky, Mr. Lewis.

You know how it goes, hobags. Ask a question, just say things. It's just like Rizzy's, I'm just far too lazy to type out directions.

Character list is found here. Have at, and avast ye there, mateys. :|

OH MY GOD. RIZZY PWNS EVERYTHING. FUCK YEAH. I'M CRYING. SO MUCH. FUCK YES. GOD. I LOVE OUR GAME.

PICK ONE OF MY CHARACTERS AND I WILL TELL YOU:
→ why I decided to play this character
→ my favorite scene or bit of interaction concerning this character to date
→ my favorite original aspect about this character (world-building for ocs or head-canon for fcs)
→ the last thing they did "off screen"
→ what their last words would be if they died tomorrow
→ what the next thing I'm doing for them is (narrative, post, shelving, whatever)

BONUS ROUND:
» I will tell you what character of yours I'd like to play mine against
» you may ask me a free question

My character list can be found if you click on the link on the side, or here.

A companion story to my mix, A Literal Killing for You, made for Beka. Each section belongs to a song and a specific moment.

Title: A Literal Killing for You
Word count: 1980 words
Warnings: Violence. Skewers. Um. Yeah.

( You messed with the wrong person's friend and now... you're fucked )

I have not been writing at-fucking-all. It sucks, but there is a reason. My computer (with all my writing stuff on it--notes, actual stories themselves, MUSIC OH MY GOD ALL MY MUSIC) managed to acquire some kind of virus, which we took our own sweet time in getting fixed. Apparently the guy doing the fixing now is making progress, which sounds good because although I have all the writing stuff backed up, I DO NOT HAVE MY MUSIC. WHICH IS VITAL IN ME WRITING. I mean, I have some stuff on my mp3 player, but out of the 22 scenes with very specific music that I have planned out for BURN THE DEVIL OUT, I have only 10 songs, and they're scattered all over the place.

I did write a ficlet thing for a mix of music that I made my friend--I need to post that somewhere. I also worked on an application for a roleplay I'm involved in, Beyond the Rift, and that's been eating my brain. I've also been reading a lot more, which is good I guess.

Maybe I should try poking at THE AFTER ADVENTURES, or THE TEAM, because my brain's been really focused on HER I MUST FOLLOW and BURN THE DEVIL OUT recently. OUT has to wait until I get my computer back, because I fail at writing screenplays without proper formatting.

Mostly I'm just frustrated with myself. Rrrh.

Pictures I Never Posted on Facebook--A mix for 2009 graduates

I know. I know. I'm kind of dumb. And masochistic. This is really... emo. And kind of depressing. Oh well.

( Pictures I Never Posted on Facebook )

Because I want to, dammit. Also, these are often fun.

A MEME OF FUN
STEP UNO: Look at Ye Olde Character Liste.

STEP DOS: Look at YOUR OWN character lists. See someone you want to throw at mine? DO ITTTTT. Say something random. Start with "I'm pregnant!". Because that's fun. Let they say whatever they want, this is supposed to be very low-stress and FUNNN. :D :D :D

STEP TRES: HAVE FUN. THIS IS A RULE. <3

Because the topic has been on everyone's minds anyway, and I posted this comment on some post that made me think about a lot of different things. Again, this is all MY experience and MY perspective, and it's going to differ greatly from YOUR experience and anyone else's experiences because I am not you, I am me.

The basis of the comment was pretty much that, as a kid, I never really could walk around in public without people at least internally wondering if I was a boy or a girl. I was a boy a ridiculous amount of the time, getting called 'young sir' by waiters and cashiers, random people in the street, girls who thought it would be funny to ask out the guy who kinda looked like a girl... There came a point where it was just easier to sort of go along with it, to avoid the awkward apology that never meant anything anyway. People who have later become my friends have admitted to me that in fact, when they first saw me they thought I was a guy. My friend's dad admitted he didn't know if I was a girl or a guy, because I tend to dress in what we've now come to call my 'bags', like all my clothes are made out of shapeless sacks that leave everything up to question. This isn't necessarily a conscious decision on my part, it's just the way I am. It's as much a part of me as my chest is, as my vagina. But it's the baggy clothes and short hair that's the first thing people see, it's my voice they hear. None of that stuff corresponds to just one gender. I am not just a boy, or just a girl, if you see me in the store.

But is that purely because of who I am, or is it the sum of my past? As a kid, I used to get really upset when someone couldn't tell what gender I was, to the point where one time I actually teared up in frustration. I tried growing my hair out, but it doesn't GROW that far. I've never had hair past half-way down my ears. Never. But as time wore on and it happened again and again, I started caring less and less when it happened. I even stopped correcting people, which all my friends think is insane and so they try to advocate for me on my behalf, but I don't WANT them to, because it just makes things awkward and uncomfortable for everyone involved. The only reaction now is a kind of grimace when my mother turns to me FOR some kind of reaction, especially because even when I WEAR my 'bags', you can tell I have a chest.

The kicker in all of this is, you would think that 'oh, well, they were just looking at the hair and the clothes but not the face and the chest'. Except they look me straight in the face and say 'sir'. Or give me that look that lets you KNOW they're processing their thoughts: 'Hm. Boobs. Face. Boobs. Face. Face wins!' "Hello sir!" Because my face is not particularly feminine. It's not. I've posted enough pictures that you can figure that out. I'm not PRETTY in the face, not at all. I still have (and will probably always have,) that kind of baby fat layer on my face that hides my cheekbones (which is how a lot of people judge gender in the face on, or so I've heard,) and the rest of my face is decidedly gender-neutral. So if all they have are my awkward lack of cheekbones and short hair to go on, combined with boobies? It gets confusing as hell, so it would with a purely cisgendered view of things which is what most people walk around with.

But as much as my face is not feminine, my hair will never be long, and people just seem to think that ignoring the fact I clearly have boobs is okay when deciding my gender, I apparently just have to embrace my inner femme, and then EVERYONE EVER INCLUDING MYSELF WILL SEE THAT OH MY GOD I AM A PRETTY GIRL. Except when I DO embrace my inner femme and get all flouncy in skirts and pretty shit, I get called a crossdresser. Which just isn't exactly the most encouraging thing when you're trying to be girly. And I don't really often make attempts to LOOK pretty, which begs a question, or several:

Is the gender confusion my fault, or others? If I really tried harder to be girly, would it make a difference? Do I act this way because of the way it was when I was growing up, or in spite of it? It no longer occurs to me to openly present myself as a girl, just as it blows my mind when I think about the fact that other people don't HAVE this happen to them. Have my experiences limited or expanded my views? And most importantly, how have I managed to go this far through my life (hush, I'm almost sixteen which is almost grown up,) and only been called a crossdresser or a faggot this year? Why is it I've been called faggot more than I've been called dyke? How do people decide what other people's gender is, when they clearly have the anatomy of one gender but still get called the other? And most importantly, what are your experiences and how are they different to mine?

I'm leaving this public, because today is a day to be brave.

This man. I don't know if you caught it, but he's 86, a WWII vet, and a life-long Republican.

And he makes me cry so much. Bless him. I'm writing him a letter as we speak, instead of studying for exam.

Oh. My. God. So happy.

So. Today was wonderful, but tonight was shitty because I had too much homework and my dorm master yelled at us for stuff I had no involvement in, and I just generally wanted to kill things.

And then L posted with the musics I'd asked for, and OH MY GOD. I'm so happy. It's just... I love Murder by Death. Ridiculous amounts. I'm just nesting in new musics now, and I'm so happy. Like so so so happy. I just love that music so much. So far, I think In Bocca Al Lupo has the most songs that I like on it, but I've barely started Red of Tooth and Claw, and I've only listened to one song from Who Will Survive, and What Will Be Left of Them. So.

Seriously, though. It just makes me feel so ALIVE, but in that slightly disconncted way that I love. It's like they bottled up the feeling that I get right before it rains, where you can smell the storm coming and the wind wants to play, and it feels like everything's alive even the things that you know rationally aren't, and green things looks greener. It's the best time for lovefighting and saying those things you need to say but technically shouldn't and it just feels so right and living.

/musics rambling

The Alphabet Drabble Meme
Below is a listing of the alphabet. Please comment with a letter of your choice (that has yet to be chosen), a word that starts with that letter, and a character or fandom pairing. I will attempt to write a drabble (and it will be a drabble or I'll spork my eyes out, BECAUSE ANYTHING LONGER DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF THE MEME) from the word and character/pairing that you chose. Feel free to choose more than one.

Fandoms: beyondtherift, Alias (some characters, not all-mostly Vaughn, hah), Easter Rising, Homemade Fusion, RENT, bare, Feeling Electric, Next to Normal, milesfromlight (I'm going to put a cast list in like six seconds, hah,), thinkthenjump (there is a cast list there).

( THE LETTERS )

Because my brain is slow and stupid and these are always fun! Taken word for word from Chris' post, by the by.

Step One: Look at Ye Olde Character List.
Step Two: Break out your character journals and have them ask my characters questions. If they have no questions, have them... I dunno. Say a word or random phrase and I'll throw a character at them to talk about that word or phrase and they can have existential debates about paperclips if that's their kink. The point is random, pointless, stressfree CR. If you demand an explanation out of one of my characters or have legitimate questions, personally and OOC-ly, I can also deal with that.
Step Three: There is no step three.

So have at it! Characters are fun and stuff!

Beyond the Rift
Chance Adams(teenytinyteme)- in game
Chuck + Lucy (forangelsunborn)- circlingtheedge
Craig + Anna (lucifersangels)- circlingtheedge
David (whydoweleave)- homeless
Fredrick Roberts (youreawful_ilu)- circlingtheedge
Gabriel (olderthan_ilook)- thinkthenjump
Gladys (cookiesandhugs)- in game
Gladys (young) (loveinyourface)- circlingtheedge/BtR
James Morgan (apathyateyouup)- circlingtheedge
Janey Robbins (drillyourhands)- circlingtheedge
Katya (hasalwaysbeen)
Kiki Monroe (eatthepastries)- in game: killed
Levi Brown (itsnotmindrape)- circlingtheedge
Logan Young (wecouldsavecats)- circlingtheedge
Lulu Keller (hereyesspark)- circlingtheedge
Matt Jenkins (alldependonyou
Nick Rhodes (killingforalife
Noah Smith (tryandmakemedie)- in game: out of town
Paul Wilkins (notnewstome)
Robbie McLorn (sewedthewoundup)
Rupert (nonewsisnotgood)
Ruby Smith (wrongjustrules)- circlingtheedge
Sam Hopkins (neversendanomen)- circlingtheedge
Scout (crashiscoming)- in game
Seth Zafranski (isgonnadieyoung)- circlingtheedge
Spencer Reed (fightthemoff)
Suzuki Suki (madeofmysins)- circlingtheedge/BtR
Trinity McFasater (omnomnomface)- in game
Yang Lee (justtofindyou)- circlingtheedge

Various Fandom
April Kramer (womanjustnow)- Easter Rising
Eloise (iamacitychild)- Eloise at the Plaza
Michael McGill (justashitmagnet)- Crooked Little Vein; Beyond the Rift
Michael Vaughn (stillaboyscout)- Alias; Beyond the Rift
Moist (thingsmadesoggy)- Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-Long Blog
Pete Campbell (huntsfromadesk)- Mad Men
Toby Logan (hearyouthink)- The Listener
Wendell the Temp (acubicleoflove)- Homemade Fusion

Various Original
Bunny (sweatsweetwet)
Mabel (grandmaassassin)
Rufus + Leelee (tastychildren)
Train (hitmelikeatrain)

The TEAM
Finn Ireland (anythingbutrare)
Henry Gordon (goneandleftus)
Lucky Haskins (somewoulddance)
Morgan Jones (just_grew_older)
Shiloh Reems (canteventellme)

Her I Must Follow
Mat (sonofahurricane)
Leon (strangeryoukeep)
Casey (iamnoprince)
The Kids (wanttobefound)

A+ Assassin
Alan Stone
Carston Robbins
Charley Macintosh/Runner (aplusassassin)
Eli Preston
Emily/Error (breakjustforyou)
Gnosis
The Informant
Throttle

Burn the Devil Out
Craig Shepard (mybeloveddoyou)
The Devil (villainstoface)
Jacob Ramone (trytobeguarded)
Jared (somebodyschild)
Jillian 'Jules' Shepard (anoldmistake)
McKay Ramone (besteffortsfail)
Mister Israel

The Adventures of Sir Shagsalot
Catelin
Ivy
Pagan (noonecouldhurt)
Sir William d'Arcy-Bolt (sirshagsalot)